Remember Today. Today is a big day. I go to mediation with my ex husband for the "rights" to my children. Obviously I called them "mine". I say this because I am a mother, and very protective of them. It is unfortunate that we live 5 miles apart and he will not allow me to have them on request. It is unfortunate that I know why he's doing being so mean. Because I know the reasons, does it change the facts that children need their mother? This isn't about me, it's about what's best for them and it's nothing against my ex either. For the past 6 months we have had a week on week off schedule, trying to cope with him allowing us to move, then re-enrolling them in school on a scheduled visit. The last six months have tested every ounce of strength I have or had. The fact of the matter is that love heals all. I love those kids so much that to save them, I would let them stay with him if he would just quit using them as pawns. However, it's not in my power to do that. I am not the judge of him. If God thinks my kids are better off with him, He'll have to be the one to give them. So, as I sit here and type, I will go to mediation in 2 hours, without an attorney, with subsidized mediation fees and God as my shield. I'll go and rest in His presence, without worry. This is His battle to fight with the enemy. Not mine - I've given it up, all I have to do is show up. It's show time.
So that says - it's show time. I just have the essentials. The Word from Him that said that if I seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, all these things will be given unto me. But it's not about me or them, but I am to be a spokesperson for the needy and the poor in spirit, if I give up and give in - from a defeated spirit, then I gave God's power away. It's about Him and His glory. So whatever comes next, it will be credited to His account - without question.
Because I have no idea what I'll say - other than kids need to be with their mother.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Friday, May 8, 2009
Finally
The other morning I'm laying in bed and God said this: "You're on borrowed time" it woke me up. At least I think it was God - who else would say something like that? But I tried to use the "Dayna - Brain" to figure it out and attach it to some kind of meaning for my life - right then... Like Oh, that must mean I should do... this or that or this and that...
What I figured out was that it meant what it said. What I see as "mine" is not mine, it belongs to the One. It's not my schedule, it's His, these kids are not mine, they're His.... etc... etc..
That really means I'm free - to do what He wants, right? So long as I listen. That means being a good steward of money, a mom, and being a Light to this dark world. What I do on a daily basis now differs because it now looks to me that He's creating all the circumstances for me to be all those things.
It's weird - but now I don't have to "do" anything but listen and do what He says. It's easy with the strength He gives --- only enough to do it at that time. Now I see that I only get what I need to do at the specific time its needed. Just enough.
So, it's about time I started blogging. I started about 15 other blogs about other things, people, events, ideas, etc. Now, I guess it's time to quit hiding and share "me" with you. For some reason, I get very pessimistic when I start writing, I understand why the web is so dark - writing is expression - and at first it depends on my feeling, but the feeling goes away and turns into some kind of big idea to save the world. Not that I have to save the world, it's already been done - but to me - there's always opportunity in opposition. Does anyone else think of things like that? Personally speaking I "feel" like the world is crashing down around me if I look at the reality of my current situation... if you know me - you know what's going on. Yet, MY reality is that everything is just fine because I see a light at the end of it all. I have no idea when it will happen, what set of circumstances will take place, or who will help it get there - but I KNOW things will be o.k.
Daily, it's hard, though - to constantly give up control - but it's kind of interesting not knowing what will happen. - of having any idea what the next minute will bring. It's weird but I don't make plans, anymore. We have an idea of what we will do the next day week, month or whatever - but making plans seems to lock us into a future we create for ourselves.
I don't want to create my future. The future I created for myself, for my 2nd decade, did not turn out so well. I married a guy because I thought I had to in order to survive financially, created a great fortune, spent it on a house, cars & boats and making a really great example for my kids that life is about all that stuff -- for it all to be left with my ex - yes, the house and 50% of my kids time as well. Not good. Not good at all. All the material stuff can go - see ya - I just want my kids. 100% - he can see them whenever he wants, but not being able to be with them when they cry, sick, anything - it's torture.
I'm a mom. Created to be a mother - yes I have a lot of great professional training and ideas and great insight on how to make money and promote people and give without receiving... but at the end of the day, I'm a mom to these kids. All else is a distraction - but should it go to waste? No. that's why I believe someone will be put there to pick my brain, pay me, and ask for advice on how to do it then put a team together and get it done. While I nurture and help my kids have fun, and learn what life is really about - relationships.
For this 3rd decade, it's going to be cool to see what God does with this life He gave me.
What I figured out was that it meant what it said. What I see as "mine" is not mine, it belongs to the One. It's not my schedule, it's His, these kids are not mine, they're His.... etc... etc..
That really means I'm free - to do what He wants, right? So long as I listen. That means being a good steward of money, a mom, and being a Light to this dark world. What I do on a daily basis now differs because it now looks to me that He's creating all the circumstances for me to be all those things.
It's weird - but now I don't have to "do" anything but listen and do what He says. It's easy with the strength He gives --- only enough to do it at that time. Now I see that I only get what I need to do at the specific time its needed. Just enough.
So, it's about time I started blogging. I started about 15 other blogs about other things, people, events, ideas, etc. Now, I guess it's time to quit hiding and share "me" with you. For some reason, I get very pessimistic when I start writing, I understand why the web is so dark - writing is expression - and at first it depends on my feeling, but the feeling goes away and turns into some kind of big idea to save the world. Not that I have to save the world, it's already been done - but to me - there's always opportunity in opposition. Does anyone else think of things like that? Personally speaking I "feel" like the world is crashing down around me if I look at the reality of my current situation... if you know me - you know what's going on. Yet, MY reality is that everything is just fine because I see a light at the end of it all. I have no idea when it will happen, what set of circumstances will take place, or who will help it get there - but I KNOW things will be o.k.
Daily, it's hard, though - to constantly give up control - but it's kind of interesting not knowing what will happen. - of having any idea what the next minute will bring. It's weird but I don't make plans, anymore. We have an idea of what we will do the next day week, month or whatever - but making plans seems to lock us into a future we create for ourselves.
I don't want to create my future. The future I created for myself, for my 2nd decade, did not turn out so well. I married a guy because I thought I had to in order to survive financially, created a great fortune, spent it on a house, cars & boats and making a really great example for my kids that life is about all that stuff -- for it all to be left with my ex - yes, the house and 50% of my kids time as well. Not good. Not good at all. All the material stuff can go - see ya - I just want my kids. 100% - he can see them whenever he wants, but not being able to be with them when they cry, sick, anything - it's torture.
I'm a mom. Created to be a mother - yes I have a lot of great professional training and ideas and great insight on how to make money and promote people and give without receiving... but at the end of the day, I'm a mom to these kids. All else is a distraction - but should it go to waste? No. that's why I believe someone will be put there to pick my brain, pay me, and ask for advice on how to do it then put a team together and get it done. While I nurture and help my kids have fun, and learn what life is really about - relationships.
For this 3rd decade, it's going to be cool to see what God does with this life He gave me.
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